Learn From Your Kids
Ironically, the way you can best raise your children is to let them raise you.
by Whitney Hopler
Parents often try hard to do everything right for their children. But no amount of effort can guarantee that kids will turn out the way parents desire, and even the most diligent parents are bound to fail sometimes. By letting go of the pressure to make sure your kids succeed and focusing on learning from them, you can become a better parent—and a better person.
Here are some ways you can listen to your kids to learn from them:
Thank God for your kids. Realize that your children are God's gifts to you, meant to help you grow in maturity. Understand that your kids will change you to the core of who you are, and that they can teach you more than you could ever teach them. Know that God wants to reveal Himself to you through your children.
Discard parenting myths. Don't assume that your influence and involvement in your kids' lives will automatically cause them to succeed in life. Don't expect that simply following certain principles will program your children to succeed. Understand that the process of parenting is what's most important. Strive to read your children well, understand them better, and build stronger bonds with them.
Listen for your kids' core questions. Know that every child is constantly asking two core questions: "Am I loved?" and "Can I get my own way?". Realize that the answers you give them set the course for how they live. Understand that these same questions are at the core of your own heart. Let your kids know that you love them unconditionally. Give them the boundaries and discipline they need to grow in healthy ways.
Ask God to give you wisdom. Ask God to help you understand each of your children's unique bents so you can accurately interpret how He has made them. Take the time to study them, think about them, and pray about them. Let go of the temptation to superimpose your own bent onto your kids. Seek to discover who they are, separate from you, and accept them no matter how much they differ. For example, if you're athletic but your son doesn't do well on the soccer field, don't push him in that direction. Try something else instead; perhaps you'll discover that he has a gift for music or science. Rely on God to help you understand what truly matters so you don't let minor matters take on more importance than they should. Allow your kids to explore, experiment, risk, and fail so they can grow.
Strive to raise leaders who will do God's work in the world. Confront the growing complexities and difficulties of today's world by preparing your children to enter it as activists for God. Ask God to help you demonstrate mercy and strength in equal measure as you interact with your kids. Rather than modeling an oversimplified, black-and-white faith in a world full of gray shades, teach them to rely on God's moment-by-moment guidance to navigate life's complexities. Make sure they learn God's Word and stay connected to His Spirit regularly through prayer.
Break free of your past. Don't let your parents' voices from the past drown out God's voice speaking to you right now. Honor your parents, but choose the parenting path that God is leading you down, recognizing that it may be different from the one they chose. Don't try to use your parenting to prove anything, seek approval, fix anything, or pay your own parents back for harm they caused you. Instead, seek God's healing so you can listen to your kids in the present and follow His lead into the future.
Turn down cultural voices. Don't allow the media, your friends, your church, or your children's school to dictate your parenting decisions. Focus on your kids themselves, responding to their unique God-given bents.
Work on building a healthy marriage. Understand that your children will learn a great deal about love and faith from the quality of your marriage. Work with your spouse to grow closer to God together so your kids can see you wrestle with the deepest matters of the heart in healthy ways.
Strive to reflect God's character into your kids' lives. Give your children opportunities to take risks to grow in maturity. Courageously pursue creative endeavors in your life and help your kids do so as well. Provide security so your kids can grow stronger; shower them with tenderness so they can become freer. Be open and honest about your own failures, and let your children see you turn to God for forgiveness and grace. When your kids' sin, help them learn from it and encourage them to grow to their fullest potential.
Dream God's dreams for your children. Give your kids the freedom to take risks, and show them grace when they fail, trusting that God is working a greater good in them through the experience. Persevere through the hard times, holding onto hope that God will accomplish His purposes for their lives. Know that the dreams God dreams for your children are greater than you—or they—could ever dream apart from Him. Let go of dreams you have that don't align with God's will and invite God to do His powerful work in your kids' lives. Focus as God does—less on your children's external accomplishments (such as getting into a certain college) and more on their internal character, the kind of people they're becoming.
Let your kids "name" you. Engage in frequent dialogue with your children to understand how they view you, and why. Pray about how the ways they see you and label you reflect God's work in your life.
Let your children reveal more about God to you. Write down what your kids teach you in a journal, and pray about what you're learning so you can grow closer to God. Strive to hear the voice of God speaking to you through your children.
Play with your kids. Take the time to join your children in their play. Don't worry about measuring results from this time together; focus on enjoying the process instead. Fully participate and celebrate with them, trusting that God will strengthen your bond with them as you do.
Adapted from How Children Raise Parents, copyright 2003 by Dan B.
Allender, Ph.D. Published by WaterBrook Press, a division of Random House, Inc., Colorado Springs, Co.
Dan B. Allender, Ph.D., is the father of Anna, Amanda, and Andrew and the husband of Rebecca. He is president of Mars
Hill Graduate School in Seattle, Washington, where he serves as professor of counseling. He is also a psychologist,
speaker, writer, and fly fisherman. Dr. Allender is the author of The Wounded Heart, Bold Love, Intimate Allies, and
The Healing Path.
Whitney Hopler is a contributing writer for Crosswalk.com.
Copyright 2004, Crosswalk.com. All rights reserved. Used by permission.